Ever catch yourself apologizing for things that aren’t even your fault? Or maybe you’re the person who can’t say no, even when your plate is already overflowing?
I spent years doing both, and it wasn’t until my late twenties that I realized these behaviors weren’t personality quirks. They were survival mechanisms from a childhood spent trying to earn love that never quite materialized the way I needed it to.
When you grow up constantly auditioning for affection that should have been freely given, you develop patterns that follow you long into adulthood. These behaviors become so ingrained that we don’t even notice them anymore. They’re just “who we are.”
But here’s what I’ve learned through my psychology studies and years of self-reflection: these patterns aren’t set in stone. Once you recognize them, you can start to heal them.
Today, we’re exploring eight common behaviors that adults exhibit when they spent their childhoods chasing love they never received. If you recognize yourself in these patterns, you’re not alone. And more importantly, awareness is the first step toward change.
1. They become chronic people-pleasers
Remember that friend who always says yes to everything, even when they’re clearly exhausted? That might be someone who learned early on that love was conditional on being helpful, agreeable, and never causing problems.
I was that person for most of my twenties. Every request felt like a test of my worthiness. Saying no felt like risking rejection, so I said yes to everything. Extra shifts at work? Sure. Help someone move on my only day off? Of course.
The exhausting part isn’t just the physical toll. It’s the constant mental calculation: “If I do this, will they like me more? If I say no, will they still want me around?”
People-pleasers often struggle with boundaries because setting them feels dangerous. When you’ve been conditioned to believe that your value lies in what you can do for others, protecting your own time and energy feels selfish, even wrong.
2. They struggle with self-compassion
When love feels earned rather than given, you develop an inner critic that would make a drill sergeant blush. That voice in your head becomes relentless, picking apart every mistake, every perceived failure, every moment you fall short of perfect.
In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore how Buddhist teachings helped me understand that this harsh inner dialogue isn’t motivating us. It’s keeping us stuck in patterns of shame and inadequacy.
Think about how you talk to yourself when you make a mistake. Would you ever speak to a friend that way? Probably not. But for those of us who grew up earning love, self-compassion feels undeserved, like we’re letting ourselves off the hook for not being good enough.
The reality? Self-compassion isn’t about lowering standards. It’s about treating yourself with the same kindness you’d show others, recognizing that making mistakes doesn’t make you unworthy of love.
3. They over-achieve to prove their worth
Achievement becomes addiction when you believe it’s your ticket to love and acceptance. The promotion, the degree, the perfect body, the spotless home – they all become proof that you’re worthy of being loved.
I lived this way through university and into my mid-twenties, constantly chasing the next accomplishment. Got my psychology degree? Great, but what’s next? Started my website? Cool, but is it successful enough?
The goalposts keep moving because the underlying belief never changes: “I am not enough as I am.”
Over-achievers who grew up earning love often experience a particular kind of burnout. It’s not just physical exhaustion. It’s the soul-deep weariness of running a race that never ends, chasing a finish line that keeps moving further away.
4. They have difficulty accepting compliments
“Oh, this old thing?” “It was nothing, really.” “I just got lucky.”
Sound familiar?
When compliments come your way, do you deflect them like you’re made of Teflon? This isn’t modesty. It’s the deep-seated belief that positive recognition must be a mistake or manipulation.
Growing up trying to earn love teaches you that praise is conditional and temporary. You learn to distrust it, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even genuine compliments feel like tricks or tests.
I remember feeling physically uncomfortable when people complimented my work in my early career. My brain would immediately start listing all the ways they were wrong or all the things I could have done better.
5. They stay in unhealthy relationships
When you’ve spent your childhood working for crumbs of affection, you become an expert at surviving on emotional scraps. This makes you vulnerable to relationships where love is rationed, conditional, or used as a weapon.
You might find yourself making excuses for partners who treat you poorly, believing that if you just try harder, love better, or change yourself, things will improve. The familiar pattern of earning love feels normal, even when it’s destroying you.
These relationships often mirror childhood dynamics. The unavailable partner becomes another puzzle to solve, another person whose love you need to earn through perfect behavior.
6. They struggle to identify their own needs
Ask someone who grew up earning love what they want for dinner, and watch them freeze. It seems like a simple question, but when you’ve spent years focusing on what others need from you, identifying your own desires becomes surprisingly difficult.
This goes deeper than just being indecisive. It’s about losing touch with your internal compass because it was never safe to have wants or needs of your own.
I explore this disconnect in my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, particularly how mindfulness practices can help us reconnect with our authentic selves.
You might find yourself constantly checking in with others before making decisions, not out of consideration but out of fear of getting it wrong. Your preferences become whatever makes others happy, whatever causes the least conflict.
7. They experience imposter syndrome
No matter how much you achieve, there’s always that nagging voice: “They’re going to figure out you don’t belong here.”
Imposter syndrome hits different when you grew up earning love. It’s not just about feeling unqualified for your job or position. It’s the deep fear that once people really know you, they’ll realize you’re not worth their time, attention, or affection.
Every success feels like luck. Every accomplishment feels undeserved. You’re constantly waiting for someone to pull back the curtain and expose you as the fraud you believe yourself to be.
This creates a exhausting cycle of overwork and anxiety. You push yourself harder to stay ahead of the inevitable discovery, never able to rest in your achievements or trust in your abilities.
8. They have difficulty with emotional intimacy
True intimacy requires vulnerability, and vulnerability feels dangerous when love has always been conditional. Opening up means risking rejection, and that rejection feels like confirmation of your deepest fear: that you’re fundamentally unlovable.
So you keep parts of yourself hidden. You might share surface-level things freely but guard your deeper thoughts, fears, and dreams like state secrets. You’ve learned that the real you might not be enough, so you offer edited versions instead.
Relationships might feel performative, like you’re constantly auditioning for a role rather than simply being yourself. The exhaustion of maintaining this performance often leads to pulling away, creating the very distance you were trying to avoid.
Final words
Recognizing these patterns in yourself isn’t about blame or dwelling on the past. It’s about understanding why you do what you do and realizing that these behaviors served a purpose once. They helped you survive and navigate a world where love felt scarce and conditional.
But you’re not that child anymore. You have the power to choose different patterns, to practice self-compassion, to set boundaries, and to believe that you are worthy of love simply because you exist.
Healing isn’t linear, and it isn’t quick. Some days you’ll fall back into old patterns, and that’s okay. What matters is that you keep showing up for yourself, keep choosing growth over comfort, and keep believing that you deserve the unconditional love you sought as a child.
You can’t change your past, but you can absolutely change how it shapes your future. And that journey starts with recognizing these patterns for what they are: outdated survival mechanisms that no longer serve who you’re becoming.
