There was a moment last spring when Ellie asked if she could play at the park with her friends without me hovering nearby.
She wanted to explore on her own terms, make decisions, maybe even make mistakes. To be honest, my first instinct was to say no, to list all the reasons she still needed me close.
But then I caught myself.
If I want my kids to actually want to be around me when they’re grown, not out of obligation, but because they genuinely enjoy my company—I need to start making changes now. The relationship we build today shapes whether they’ll call me just to chat in twenty years or keep our conversations to obligatory holiday check-ins.
So I’ve been paying attention to what pushes adult children away from their parents. Some of it surprised me. Some of it made me uncomfortable because I recognized my own patterns. But all of it has helped me parent more intentionally, with the long game in mind.
1) Treating them like they’re incapable of making decisions
When I taught kindergarten, I watched parents make every single choice for their kids — what to wear, what to eat, which activities to try. Those children struggled the most with problem-solving and independence.
Fast forward to adulthood, and that pattern doesn’t just disappear.
If we’re constantly swooping in to “fix” things or telling our kids exactly how to handle situations, we’re sending a message: “I don’t trust you to figure this out.” And kids internalize that. They start believing they can’t trust themselves either.
I’m working on this with Ellie now. When she’s frustrated about something (maybe a friend said something hurtful, or she can’t get her art project to look the way she imagined) I bite my tongue. Instead of immediately offering solutions, I ask, “What do you think you could try?”
Sometimes her ideas work. Sometimes they don’t. But she’s learning that her thoughts matter, that she’s capable of working through challenges.
2) Making everything about achievement rather than character
There are competitive parents everywhere — parents comparing whose kid is reading first, enrolled in more activities, winning competitions. That constant emphasis on accomplishments creates pressure that follows kids into adulthood.
When we only celebrate achievements, we’re teaching our kids that their value is tied to external validation. They learn to call us only when they have good news to share, not when they’re struggling or figuring out who they are.
According to research, when children develop secure attachments to their parents through quality time and genuine connection, they’re more likely to maintain close relationships into adulthood.
That connection comes from celebrating who they are, not just what they achieve.
3) Refusing to apologize or admit when you’re wrong
Kids need to see that relationships aren’t about one person always being right. They’re about mutual respect, about acknowledging when you mess up and making it right.
Child development experts emphasize that apologizing teaches children that respect goes both ways. When parents model accountability, they show that relationships are built on mutual understanding rather than power dynamics.
If we never admit when we’re wrong, we’re teaching our kids that maintaining control is more important than maintaining connection. And in adulthood, they’ll remember that dynamic and probably keep their distance because of it.
4) Invading their privacy and personal boundaries
There’s a difference between staying connected and being invasive.
Going through their belongings, interrogating them about every detail, demanding access to all their private thoughts — these behaviors don’t create trust. They create kids who get better at hiding things.
Listening more and talking less is key to maintaining close bonds with children as they grow into adults. That includes respecting when they need space and privacy to develop their own identity.
When we honor boundaries (even small ones with young children) we’re teaching them that their autonomy matters. And when they’re adults making their own choices, they’ll remember that we respected them as individuals.
5) Keeping score and holding grudges
There’s a dynamic in some families where everything becomes transactional. “I did this for you, so you owe me.” “After all I’ve sacrificed…” “You never…”
That scorekeeping creates resentment on both sides.
Matt and I talk about this during our evening check-ins after the kids are asleep. We ask each other, “Are we holding onto anything? Are we making our kids feel like they’re constantly failing to meet our expectations?”
Because the truth is, if we want them to want to be around us as adults, they need to feel accepted as they are right now. Not as the perfect children we wish they’d be.
6) Using guilt and manipulation to get what you want
“I gave up my career for you.”
“This is how you repay me?”
“If you loved me, you would…”
These phrases might get short-term compliance, but they destroy long-term connection. Guilt is a terrible foundation for a relationship.
Our sacrifices as parents aren’t something our children need to repay. They’re part of the job we signed up for. When we frame parenting as a debt they owe us, we’re setting up a dynamic where they’ll feel obligated rather than connected as adults.
Instead, teaching mutual respect and consideration through modeling creates healthier patterns. When we demonstrate gratitude, acknowledge others’ efforts, and avoid transactional thinking, our kids learn what genuine relationship looks like.
7) Dismissing their feelings and experiences
When Ellie came to me crying because her friend couldn’t come to a playdate, it seemed small to me. My instinct was to say, “Don’t cry over something so little.”
But I remembered how dismissing feelings teaches kids that their emotions aren’t valid, that they can’t trust their own internal experience.
So instead I said, “That sounds really disappointing. Tell me more about how you’re feeling.”
Child development experts note that when parents respond with curiosity rather than dismissal, children grow into adults who trust the relationship rather than fear it. They learn that being vulnerable is safe, that their feelings matter.
When we teach kids that their feelings are wrong or inconvenient, we teach them to hide those feelings from us. And when they’re adults dealing with real problems, they won’t call us because they’ve learned we’re not safe to be vulnerable with.
Conclusion
The garden in our backyard is a mess right now. Ellie planted seeds in random spots, Milo dug holes wherever he felt like it, and half the plants are struggling. But you know what? They’re out there every day, checking on their plants, celebrating the tiniest sprouts, learning what works and what doesn’t.
That’s kind of how I think about parenting for the long term. It’s messy. It requires patience. We don’t always see immediate results. But we’re planting seeds now for the relationship we’ll have in twenty years.
Matt said something last night that stuck with me: “They’re not going to remember every perfect moment we created. They’re going to remember how we made them feel.”
That’s what I’m focusing on now. Not perfection, not having all the answers, not even always doing the “right” thing. Just making sure that when Ellie and Milo think of me years from now, they feel safe. Respected. Loved for exactly who they are.
Because ultimately, we’re not just raising children. We’re nurturing relationships that will span our entire lives. And the foundation we build today through our words and actions determines whether they’ll want to stay connected when they don’t have to anymore.
I’m still figuring this out. Some days I get it right, some days I don’t. But I’m committed to building something real with my kids, something that lasts beyond childhood and grows into a genuine, chosen relationship in adulthood.
That’s the goal. That’s what all of this is for.
