You know that hollow feeling when you’re sitting at a perfectly set dinner table with your family, but everyone feels miles apart?
Well, that was my childhood.
Every evening at 6:30 sharp, we’d gather around our dining room table.
The food was always good, the house was clean, and from the outside, we looked like the perfect family.
However, underneath that polished surface, there was this unspoken rule: don’t rock the boat, don’t share too much, just keep things pleasant.
I spent years thinking this was normal.
It wasn’t until I became a parent myself that I realized how much those early experiences shaped me.
The constant need to be “good,” the exhausting perfectionism, the way I’d bend myself into a pretzel to keep everyone happy.
These patterns followed me into adulthood, into my relationships and, initially, into my own parenting.
Now, watching my two little ones navigate their big feelings and small disappointments, I’m acutely aware of how the things we do as parents echo through our children’s lives.
Some parenting mistakes are forgotten by next Tuesday, but others? They leave marks that last decades.
1) Breaking promises without acknowledgment
“We’ll go to the park after I finish this one thing.”
How many times did I hear variations of this growing up?
The thing is, that one thing always turned into five things, and the park never happened.
Just a vague “maybe tomorrow” that eventually stopped meaning anything.
When parents consistently break promises without acknowledging it, kids learn that their disappointment doesn’t matter.
They learn to stop trusting words and to lower their expectations.
My five-year-old recently reminded me of a promise I’d made to help her build a fairy garden.
I’d completely forgotten, caught up in laundry and meal prep, but seeing her face made me remember exactly how it felt to be on the receiving end of broken promises.
We built that fairy garden right then, dirty dishes and all.
2) Using children as emotional dumping grounds
Have you ever found yourself telling your kid about adult problems they have no business carrying?
Maybe it’s money stress, relationship issues, or work drama.
Parents who treat their children like tiny therapists create a burden that follows those kids forever.
I remember being eight and knowing way too much about our family’s financial situation, about why my parents were tense with each other, about problems I couldn’t possibly solve but felt responsible for anyway.
That weight? It taught me that other people’s emotions were mine to manage.
It’s taken years of work to unlearn that pattern.
Children need to be children; they need to know the adults have things handled, even when we don’t.
There’s a difference between being honest about having a tough day and making your child feel responsible for fixing it.
3) Dismissing feelings as drama or oversensitivity
“You’re being too sensitive.”
“It’s not that big a deal.”
“Stop being so dramatic.”
These phrases might seem harmless, but they teach children that their emotional experience isn’t valid.
When my two-year-old melts down because his tower fell, it might seem ridiculous to adult eyes.
To him, it’s genuinely devastating.
When we dismiss these feelings, we’re essentially saying, “Your internal experience doesn’t matter.”
Kids who grow up hearing their feelings are “too much” often become adults who can’t trust their own emotional compass.
They second-guess themselves constantly, wondering if what they feel is real or if they’re just being dramatic.
I still catch myself minimizing my own feelings, that old voice in my head saying I’m overreacting when something genuinely upsets me.
4) Making everything a comparison
Comparison might seem like motivation, but it’s actually poison as it tells children they’re not enough as they are.
It creates resentment between siblings and teaches kids to measure their worth against others rather than developing their own sense of self.
Growing up, I was constantly compared to the neighbor’s daughter who was quieter, more studious, and more everything I wasn’t.
Decades later, I still fight the urge to compare myself to every other parent at the playground: Am I doing enough? Are my kids as well-behaved as theirs?
It’s exhausting, and it all started with those early comparisons.
5) Punishing honesty
Picture this: Your child comes to you and admits they broke something or made a mistake.
If your immediate response is anger and punishment, guess what they learn? Don’t tell the truth next time.
Parents who explode when their children are honest create kids who become expert liars.
These children grow into adults who hide their mistakes, who can’t admit when they need help, and who’d rather suffer in silence than risk the vulnerability of truth.
When my daughter recently told me she’d accidentally broken a special mug while playing where she wasn’t supposed to, my first instinct was frustration.
However, I remembered being her age, terrified to admit mistakes.
Instead, we cleaned it up together and talked about why certain areas are off-limits.
She still comes to me with truth, even the uncomfortable kind.
6) Making love feel conditional
“I’m so proud of you for getting an A!”
“You’re such a good girl when you clean your room.”
“Mommy loves helpful children.”
See the pattern? Love and approval tied to performance.
Children who grow up with conditional love become adults who never feel quite good enough.
They’re constantly performing by achieving and proving their worth because, deep down, they believe love must be earned.
This one hits close to home as I was the “good kid,” always achieving, always pleasing, because that’s when I felt most loved.
Even now, I have to consciously remind myself that my worth isn’t tied to my productivity or how well I manage everything.
7) Never admitting mistakes or apologizing
Parents who can’t say “I was wrong” or “I’m sorry” teach their children that adults are either infallible or that mistakes should be hidden.
Either way, it’s damaging.
Kids need to see that everyone messes up and that taking responsibility is part of being human.
Some parents think apologizing to children undermines their authority.
Actually, it’s the opposite: When we model accountability, we teach our children that mistakes don’t define us but how we handle them does.
Final thoughts
Looking back at my own childhood, I don’t think my parents were trying to hurt me.
They were doing their best with the tools they had, probably repeating patterns from their own upbringings.
Yet, impact matters more than intention, and some wounds take decades to heal.
The beautiful thing about recognizing these patterns is that we can break them.
Every day with my little ones is a chance to do differently.
Sure, I mess up—sometimes I’m impatient, distracted, or fall back into old patterns—but I also apologize, acknowledge their feelings, and keep my promises about fairy gardens and couch cushion forts.
Our children will remember how we made them feel long after they’ve forgotten the specific words we said.
They’ll carry our voices in their heads as they navigate their own challenges.
The question is: What do we want those voices to say?
