Growing up in a small Midwest town, I watched my parents work themselves to the bone trying to give us “every advantage.”
They’d scrimp on their own needs to buy us brand-name clothes, push us toward safe career paths, and constantly remind us that education was our ticket out.
They meant well, but as I watch my own kids play in our backyard garden, dirt under their fingernails and imaginations running wild, I realize how many of those well-intentioned lessons actually held me back.
Don’t get me wrong: My parents loved us fiercely.
However, like many lower-middle-class families, they were so focused on helping us climb the economic ladder that they accidentally taught us to fear the very risks and creativity that could have propelled us forward.
It took me years to unlearn some of these patterns, and I see them playing out in families around me every day.
1) Pushing kids toward “safe” careers instead of passion
Remember being told to become a nurse, teacher, or accountant because “those jobs will always be there”?
My parents practically had an allergic reaction when I mentioned wanting to write.
“Writing doesn’t pay the bills,” they’d say, steering me toward something more practical.
Here’s what happens: Kids learn to value security over fulfillment.
They choose careers based on fear rather than interest or aptitude.
In today’s rapidly changing economy, those “safe” jobs aren’t even that safe anymore.
The kid who followed their curiosity into coding or sustainable farming might end up more financially stable than the one who grudgingly got an accounting degree.
I see it in my neighborhood, such as parents pushing their artistic kids toward business degrees or telling their entrepreneurial teens to “get a real job first.”
We’re teaching them to play small when the world rewards those who dare to think differently.
2) Avoiding conversations about money
In my house growing up, money talk was adult business.
Bills were hidden, financial stress was whispered about behind closed doors, and we kids were told not to worry about it.
The message? Money is scary, complicated, and not for you to understand.
This silence around finances creates adults who are financially illiterate.
They don’t understand budgeting, investing, or how compound interest works because nobody ever taught them.
They’re afraid to negotiate salaries or start businesses because money feels like this mysterious, dangerous thing.
With Ellie and Milo, we talk about money openly (in age-appropriate ways, of course).
When we choose organic strawberries over conventional ones, I explain that we’re making a choice with our money.
Moreover, when we skip the toy aisle to save for our camping trip, they’re learning about priorities and delayed gratification.
3) Prioritizing possessions over experiences
My parents saved for months to buy us the “right” sneakers for school, thinking that having the same stuff as wealthier kids would help us fit in and succeed.
However, while we had the shoes, we missed out on museum trips, camping adventures, and other experiences that could have broadened our horizons.
Lower-middle-class families often fall into this trap, believing that having the right things matters more than doing enriching activities.
But, possessions depreciate as that gaming console becomes obsolete or those trendy clothes go out of style.
Meanwhile, the kid who spent summers at the library, visited national parks on a shoestring budget, or learned to cook different cuisines with their parent?
They’re developing curiosity, adaptability, and cultural awareness that no brand-name item can provide.
4) Teaching compliance over critical thinking
“Don’t question authority.”
“Do what you’re told.”
“The teacher is always right.”
Sound familiar? These were mantras in my childhood home.
My parents, who’d never had much power in their own lives, taught us that keeping our heads down and following rules was the path to success.
Yet, blind compliance creates people who are afraid to speak up in meetings, negotiate for themselves, or challenge systems that aren’t working.
When my daughter asks why something is the way it is, I don’t shut her down with “because I said so.”
We explore the question together.
Sure, it takes longer—sometimes it’s exhausting when she questions bedtime for the hundredth time—but she’s learning to think instead of just obeying.
5) Overemphasizing formal education while undervaluing life skills
How many of us heard “As long as you get good grades, nothing else matters?”
In my house, straight A’s meant you were exempt from learning to cook, fix things, or manage a household.
The message was clear: Academic success was the only success that counted, but I’ve met plenty of people with perfect GPAs who can’t change a tire, cook a healthy meal, or maintain relationships.
They were so focused on memorizing facts for tests that they never learned to navigate actual life.
My kids help in the garden, assist with simple repairs when Matt’s fixing things, and yes, they help with cooking even though it means dinner takes twice as long.
These skills build confidence and self-sufficiency that no report card can measure.
6) Discouraging “risky” friendships and experiences
My parents were terrified of me hanging out with kids from wealthier families.
They worried I’d feel inferior or pick up “fancy ideas,” and they also discouraged friendships with kids they saw as “troubled” or different.
The result? A very narrow worldview and missed opportunities to learn from diverse perspectives.
This protective instinct makes sense as parents want to shield their kids from feeling “less than” or getting into trouble.
However, it also prevents children from developing social flexibility, empathy, and the ability to navigate different social contexts.
7) Making fear of failure the primary motivator
“You don’t want to end up like…” followed by a cautionary tale of someone who didn’t succeed.
This fear-based motivation was constant in my childhood.
Study hard or you’ll be flipping burgers, save every penny or you’ll be homeless, or don’t take risks or you’ll lose everything.
While understanding consequences is important, when fear becomes the primary motivator, kids develop anxiety and risk aversion that follows them into adulthood.
They choose the safe option because they’re terrified of the alternative.
I try to reframe failure for my kids.
When our tomato plants died last summer, we talked about what we learned and what we’d do differently.
Failure became information rather than catastrophe.
8) Modeling scarcity mindset as wisdom
“Money doesn’t grow on trees.”
“We can’t afford that.”
“Must be nice to be rich.”
These phrases were the soundtrack of my childhood, always reinforcing that resources were limited and that wanting more was somehow greedy or unrealistic.
While financial reality is important, constantly reinforcing scarcity creates adults who can’t envision abundance, who feel guilty for success, and who make decisions from a place of lack rather than possibility.
They might turn down opportunities because they can’t imagine deserving or achieving them.
Final thoughts
Breaking these patterns isn’t easy.
Sometimes, I catch myself repeating the very phrases I swore I’d never say.
Recognizing these patterns, however, is the first step toward changing them.
Our kids need parents who encourage curiosity over compliance, experiences over possessions, and growth over safety.
They need to see us taking calculated risks, continuing to learn, and believing that abundance—whether of money, opportunity, or joy—is possible.
The goal is to raise kids who understand that circumstances don’t define their potential.
Sometimes, that means letting go of the very beliefs that our own parents thought would save us.
