The other day, I was having coffee with a friend who mentioned something that stuck with me.
“You know what’s weird?” he said. “My relationship with my parents has gotten so much better now that we’re all adults, but I can’t figure out what changed.”
I’ve heard this sentiment echoed countless times, and I’ve experienced it myself.
There’s something about the parent-child dynamic that shifts as we all get older, and when handled well, these relationships can become some of the most meaningful connections in our lives.
But here’s the thing: it doesn’t just happen automatically.
According to research, the quality of relationships between aging parents and adult children can vary dramatically based on how both parties approach the connection.
The good news? Psychology has identified specific practices that can transform these relationships from obligatory phone calls into genuine, fulfilling bonds.
Today, we’re diving into eight regular practices that can dramatically improve your relationship with your aging parents (or adult children, if you’re reading from that perspective).
1) Schedule regular, predictable contact
Remember when you first moved out and your parents wanted to talk every day?
Yeah, that probably felt overwhelming.
But there’s a sweet spot between constant contact and radio silence.
Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family shows that regular, predictable contact significantly improves relationship satisfaction between generations.
The key word here is “predictable.”
Instead of random guilt-driven calls, try setting up a weekly video chat or Sunday dinner tradition.
When my brothers and I started working together, we noticed that scheduled family time actually made our professional relationship smoother too.
Everyone knew when we’d connect as family versus colleagues.
The beauty of routine contact? It removes the pressure.
Nobody’s wondering why you haven’t called, and nobody feels like they’re bothering anyone.
It just becomes part of life’s rhythm.
2) Practice active listening without judgment
Here’s something I learned while researching for my book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego: the art of listening without immediately offering solutions or judgments is transformative.
When your mom shares her health concerns or your dad talks about retirement anxieties, resist the urge to immediately jump in with advice.
Just listen. Reflect back what you’re hearing. “So you’re feeling worried about the surgery next month?”
This approach works both ways.
Adult children often feel their parents don’t understand their modern challenges.
Parents might feel their life experience is dismissed.
Active listening bridges that gap.
I’ve noticed this especially when spending time with my wife’s family, where Vietnamese culture emphasizes respect for elders’ perspectives.
Sometimes the greatest gift we can give is our full attention.
3) Share activities, not just conversations
You know what’s awkward?
Sitting across from someone you’re supposed to have a deep connection with and struggling for conversation topics.
The solution?
Do things together.
Cook a family recipe, work on a puzzle, go for walks, watch a series together.
Shared activities create natural conversation flow and build new memories.
They also shift the focus from potential tensions to collaborative experiences.
My brothers and I discovered this accidentally.
Some of our best conversations happen while we’re doing something else entirely, whether it’s helping our parents with tech issues or working on a home project together.
4) Establish and respect boundaries
This one’s tricky but crucial.
According to the American Psychological Association, healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining positive intergenerational relationships.
Maybe your parents have opinions about your parenting style.
Perhaps your adult children make lifestyle choices you don’t understand.
The key is recognizing where your influence ends and their autonomy begins.
Working with my brothers taught me that family relationships need even clearer boundaries than professional ones.
We had to learn when to be brothers and when to be business partners.
The same principle applies to parent-adult child relationships.
Set boundaries kindly but firmly.
“I appreciate your concern about my job situation, but I need to figure this out myself. Let’s talk about something else.”
5) Express appreciation regularly
When was the last time you thanked your parent for something specific they did in your childhood?
Or acknowledged your adult child for the person they’ve become?
We often assume our family members know we appreciate them.
But assumptions aren’t enough.
Get specific. “Thank you for always making sure I had books to read growing up” hits differently than “Thanks for everything.”
Or “I’m really proud of how you handled that difficult situation at work” means more than generic praise.
Growing up in Melbourne with two brothers, competition for attention was real.
But looking back, I realize our parents made each of us feel valued in unique ways.
Now it’s our turn to vocalize that appreciation.
6) Navigate role reversals with grace
One of the biggest challenges in aging parent-adult child relationships is the gradual role reversal.
The people who once took care of everything might now need help with technology, medical decisions, or daily tasks.
This shift requires incredible sensitivity from both sides.
Parents need to accept help while maintaining dignity.
Adult children need to offer support without being patronizing.
In my book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I discuss the concept of interdependence rather than independence.
This perfectly applies here. We’re all supporting each other in different ways at different life stages.
7) Create new traditions while honoring old ones
Traditions evolve.
The family dynamics that worked when you were twelve won’t work when you’re thirty-seven with your own kids.
Instead of clinging to outdated patterns or abandoning tradition altogether, create new ones that reflect your current reality.
Maybe the big holiday gathering becomes a smaller monthly brunch.
Perhaps the weekly phone call becomes a daily text check-in.
The point is to maintain connection while acknowledging that everyone’s lives have changed.
Studies show that families who adapt their traditions to current circumstances report higher satisfaction levels than those who rigidly maintain or completely abandon family customs.
8) Address conflicts directly but compassionately
Here’s an uncomfortable truth: unresolved conflicts don’t disappear with time.
They fester.
Whether it’s old childhood wounds or current disagreements, addressing issues directly (but compassionately) can transform relationships.
This doesn’t mean bringing up every past grievance.
It means dealing with current tensions before they become permanent walls.
Use “I feel” statements instead of accusations.
Focus on specific behaviors rather than character attacks.
And remember, the goal isn’t to win but to understand each other better.
I’ve seen this play out in my own family.
Those difficult conversations we avoided for years? Once we finally had them, the relief was palpable.
The relationship quality improved almost immediately.
Final words
The relationship between aging parents and adult children doesn’t have to follow a script of growing distance and awkward holiday dinners.
These eight practices aren’t just nice ideas; they’re research-backed strategies that can genuinely transform these vital relationships.
Remember, relationship quality is the single biggest predictor of life satisfaction.
The effort you put into improving your connection with your parents or adult children isn’t just about obligation or duty.
It’s an investment in your own happiness and theirs.
Start small.
Pick one practice and commit to it for a month.
Maybe it’s the weekly scheduled call or the conscious effort to express appreciation.
Build from there.
These relationships are too important to leave to chance.
With intentional effort and these evidence-based practices, you can create connections that enrich everyone’s lives as you navigate the beautiful complexity of growing older together.
