Let’s face it: we’ve all been taught certain behaviors are the hallmark of good manners. But some of these so-called polite habits? They make people squirm.
I’ve had plenty of time to observe human behavior, both in my office days and now in retirement. There’s a big difference between genuine courtesy and performative politeness that leaves everyone feeling awkward. Today, I want to walk you through eight habits that might seem polite on the surface but create real discomfort for those around you.
1. Excessive apologizing for every little thing
Have you ever been around someone who says “I’m so sorry” constantly? Sorry for asking a question. Sorry for existing in the same space. Sorry for, well, breathing.
When you apologize for everything, it loses all meaning. Over-apologizing can undermine your credibility and make others uncomfortable because they feel pressured to reassure you constantly.
I had a colleague years ago who did this. Every email started with “Sorry to bother you” or “Sorry for taking your time.” Eventually, I felt exhausted just reading his messages because I had to mentally reassure him with every interaction.
Real politeness means apologizing when you’ve done something wrong, not turning every conversation into an opportunity for self-flagellation.
2. Forcing small talk when silence would be perfectly fine
Not every moment needs to be filled with chatter about the weather.
I learned this the hard way during my commuting days. There’s nothing wrong with comfortable silence in an elevator or while waiting for a meeting to start.
Forced small talk creates pressure. The other person feels obligated to engage, even if they’re processing something important or simply need a moment of quiet. Small talk works best when it’s natural and mutually desired, not imposed out of awkwardness.
Sometimes, a simple nod or smile is more respectful than asking someone how their weekend was when you’re both clearly just waiting for the copier to finish.
3. Insisting on hospitality that wasn’t invited
“Please, let me get that for you.” “No, I insist.” “Really, it’s no trouble at all.”
Sound familiar?
There’s a fine line between being helpful and being pushy. When someone declines your offer once, that’s information. When they decline twice, that’s a boundary. Continuing to insist isn’t polite—it’s ignoring their explicit wishes.
I’ve watched this play out at family gatherings more times than I can count. Someone offers to help with dishes, the host says no thanks, and it becomes this awkward dance where the “helpful” person won’t take no for an answer. Meanwhile, the host is getting increasingly frustrated because their boundary is being steamrolled in the name of good manners.
True politeness respects boundaries, even when those boundaries seem to go against conventional etiquette.
4. Giving compliments that are really veiled criticisms
“You look so much better than you usually do!” “Wow, you’re actually on time for once!” “I’m surprised you managed to pull that off.”
These aren’t compliments—they’re insults wrapped in a polite bow.
The recipient gets put in an impossible position. Do they say thank you and accept the backhanded nature of it? Do they call it out and risk seeming ungracious?
If you want to compliment someone, make it genuine and unconditional. Otherwise, say nothing at all.
5. Pretending to agree with everything to avoid conflict
I won’t pretend to have it all figured out, but I’ve learned that agreeing with everyone about everything isn’t kind—it’s dishonest.
When you nod along to opinions you don’t share just to keep the peace, you’re being inauthentic. People can sense it.
This creates tension where no one is sure what you think or believe. You’re also withholding your genuine perspective, which could enrich the conversation.
I’m not saying you should argue about everything. There’s a middle ground between being combative and being a doormat. You can respectfully disagree or simply say, “I see it differently, but I understand your perspective.”
6. Refusing to end conversations when they’ve clearly run their course
We’ve all been trapped in that conversation that should have ended ten minutes ago.
One person is edging toward the door, checking their watch, giving all the signals. But the other person just keeps talking, perhaps thinking it would be rude to wrap things up.
The reality? Keeping someone hostage in a conversation they’re trying to leave is far more rude than saying, “Well, I should let you go.” You’re not being considerate by continuing to talk—you’re ignoring clear social cues that the other person needs to move on.
Learning to gracefully exit a conversation is one of the most underrated social skills. A simple “It was great catching up with you” or “I don’t want to keep you” gives everyone an out without awkwardness.
7. Being overly self-deprecating to appear humble
There’s being humble, and then there’s constantly putting yourself down in a way that makes everyone around you uncomfortable.
“Oh, I’m terrible at this.” “I’m so stupid.” “I’m the worst.” When this becomes your default way of speaking about yourself, it puts everyone else in the position of having to contradict you and boost your ego.
Self-deprecation in small doses can be charming. But when it’s constant, it reads as either fishing for compliments or genuinely low self-esteem—both of which make people uncomfortable.
You can be humble without diminishing yourself. Acknowledge your efforts while remaining grounded. That’s the sweet spot I wish I’d found earlier in my career.
8. Making elaborate excuses instead of simple, honest responses
One more thing worth mentioning: the habit of over-explaining and over-justifying every decision.
“I can’t make it to the party because my second cousin is visiting, and we haven’t seen her in years, and she’s only in town for this one day, and you know how family is, and I promised my spouse I’d be there, and…”
A simple “I can’t make it, but thanks for inviting me” would suffice.
These elaborate explanations make people uncomfortable because they signal you don’t trust them to accept a simple no. They also create unnecessary pressure—now they know all the details of your schedule and might feel obligated to help you rearrange things.
The most polite response is often the most straightforward. People generally don’t need or want your entire reasoning process.
Final thoughts
None of us gets this perfectly right all the time. I’m still learning, even at my age.
The key is remembering that genuine politeness comes from consideration and awareness, not from following a rigid script of behaviors you think make you seem nice.
Here’s what you can do starting today:
Pay attention to reactions. If people seem uncomfortable when you do something you think is polite, that’s valuable information.
Trust simple responses. You don’t need to over-explain, over-apologize, or over-compliment. Simple and sincere beats elaborate and hollow every time.
Respect boundaries more than conventions. If someone sets a boundary, even if it goes against traditional etiquette, honor it. That’s real politeness.
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s being genuine. And sometimes, being genuinely courteous means breaking a few of those old “polite” habits that never served anyone well in the first place.
