Growing up, kids are like little recording devices. They absorb everything around them, especially the words their parents say during tough times. And when those tough times involve divorce, certain phrases get burned into memory forever.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, particularly after a conversation with my younger son last month. He brought up something I’d said about his mother during our roughest patch years ago—word for word. It stopped me cold. We worked through our issues and stayed together, but hearing him repeat those words made me realize just how deep these things cut.
If you’re a regular reader, you may remember I’ve talked about the importance of watching what we say around kids. Well, today I want to dig into something specific: those memorable phrases divorced Boomer parents tend to say about each other that their adult children still carry decades later.
1. “Your mother/father never understood money”
This one’s a classic. And boy, does it stick.
When parents split up finances during divorce, money becomes a weapon. I’ve heard countless variations of this from friends and colleagues over the years. “Your dad spent every penny he made” or “Your mom couldn’t balance a checkbook if her life depended on it.”
What makes this particularly damaging? Kids internalize these messages about financial responsibility—or the lack thereof. They grow up second-guessing their own financial decisions, wondering if they inherited the “bad money gene” from whichever parent got labeled as financially irresponsible.
A friend’s adult daughter recently told me she still hears her father’s voice every time she makes a purchase: “Just like your mother, throwing money away.” She’s forty-two years old and financially successful, yet those words from when she was twelve still haunt her.
The truth is, most financial problems in marriages are about different values and priorities, not incompetence. But try explaining that to a kid who’s been told for years that one parent is a financial disaster.
2. “I gave up everything for this family”
Talk about loading kids up with guilt they didn’t ask for.
This phrase usually comes with a detailed list of sacrifices: career opportunities missed, dreams abandoned, youth wasted. The parent saying it genuinely feels they gave up their life for a family that didn’t appreciate it. Fair enough—divorce is painful and people need to process their hurt.
But here’s what kids hear: “You ruined my life.”
During my years in HR, I counseled many employees going through divorces. The ones who said this to their kids often couldn’t understand why their adult children kept them at arm’s length later. Well, imagine carrying the weight of believing you destroyed your parent’s dreams. That’s not something you just shake off.
3. “You’re just like your mother/father”
This one’s particularly insidious because it’s often said in moments of frustration about completely normal behavior.
Kid forgets their homework? “Just like your father, never could remember anything important.”
Teenager talks back? “You’ve got your mother’s nasty temper.”
What starts as a comparison becomes a prophecy. Kids either rebel against it completely, exhausting themselves trying to prove they’re nothing like that parent, or they lean into it, figuring they’re doomed to repeat history anyway.
I once worked with a guy whose son refused to get married because his father had told him throughout his teens that he was “just like him” and would “probably get divorced too.” The son was in his forties, in a committed relationship for fifteen years, but wouldn’t take that final step. Those words had created a prison he couldn’t escape.
4. “I should have listened when everyone warned me”
Ouch. This one basically tells kids that their very existence was a mistake.
When parents say this, they’re usually venting about ignored red flags. But kids don’t hear it that way. They hear that their parent regrets the entire relationship, which means regretting them.
I remember a colleague sharing how her mother used to say this constantly. Even now, in her fifties, she struggles with feeling wanted or believing she belongs anywhere. If your own parent suggests they should have avoided the relationship that created you, how do you ever feel secure in any relationship?
5. “Your father/mother’s new partner is the real problem”
Ah, the blame game with a twist.
This phrase does double damage. First, it refuses to take any responsibility for the marriage ending. Second, it puts kids in an impossible position with whoever enters their parent’s life next.
Kids end up feeling like they have to choose sides, defend people they barely know, or worse, sabotage their parent’s new relationships to prove loyalty to the other parent. I’ve seen this play out so many times, with adult children still unable to have normal relationships with stepparents they met decades ago.
The saddest part? Often the new partner had nothing to do with the divorce. But once they become the villain in the story, there’s no changing that narrative.
6. “I stayed longer than I should have for you kids”
This might be the heavyweight champion of guilt-inducing phrases.
Parents think they’re expressing how much they sacrificed for their children’s wellbeing. What kids hear is that they’re the reason their parent suffered in an unhappy marriage. They’re also the reason the divorce happened when it did, disrupting everyone’s lives.
My wife Linda and I went through a rough patch when our boys were in middle school. We considered separation but worked through it instead. Even so, I was careful never to tell them we stayed together “for them.” That would have put the responsibility for our marriage on their shoulders, and that’s not a burden kids should carry.
Adult children who heard this phrase often struggle with major decisions, always wondering if they’re being selfish or if they should sacrifice their happiness for others like their parent did for them.
Closing thoughts
Here’s what I’ve learned after all these years: words spoken in pain and anger don’t just disappear. They echo through generations.
If you’re going through a divorce or went through one years ago, it’s never too late to address these things. I’ve apologized to my sons for things I said during our family’s tough times, and those conversations opened doors I didn’t even know were closed.
Our kids deserve better than carrying our baggage for the rest of their lives. They’ve got enough challenges without our bitter words following them into every relationship and decision they make.
So here’s my question for you: what words are you carrying from your parents’ divorce? And more importantly, what are you going to do to make sure they stop with you?
