Looking back, I used to wonder why my sons’ visits kept getting shorter. Three days became two. Overnight stays turned into afternoon drop-ins. The time between visits stretched from weeks to months.
It took me years to realize I was the problem.
Now that both my boys are in their thirties with families of their own, I’ve finally learned what I was doing wrong. And if I’m honest, I see plenty of my fellow boomers making the exact same mistakes.
We mean well. We really do. But sometimes our version of “welcoming our kids home” is exactly what pushes them away.
1. Treating them like they’re still teenagers
You know what I’m talking about. Your thirty-something walks through the door, and suddenly you’re asking if they remembered to lock their car, reminding them to use a coaster, or commenting on how late they stayed up last night.
I did this constantly with my older son. He’d visit with his wife and kids, and I’d find myself saying things like “Did you check the oil before driving here?” or “You should really wear a warmer jacket.”
He’s a grown man with a mortgage and two children. He knows how to check his oil.
The moment we slip back into parent-of-a-teenager mode, we’re essentially telling our adult children that we don’t see them as competent adults. No wonder they start finding excuses to cut visits short.
2. Offering unsolicited advice about everything
This one hits close to home. My younger son finally told me point-blank that my constant “helpful suggestions” felt like criticism. That conversation was a wake-up call.
Every time he mentioned something about work, I had advice. When he talked about his kids’ behavior, I had a strategy. When he described a home repair project, I knew a better way to do it.
I thought I was being helpful. He heard: “You’re not doing it right.”
These days, I’ve learned to bite my tongue unless he specifically asks, “Dad, what do you think?” You’d be amazed how rarely that actually happens. And you know what? Our relationship is better for it.
3. Making every conversation about the past
“Remember when you…” starts way too many of our sentences.
Sure, nostalgia has its place. But when every conversation circles back to Little League games from 1995 or that family vacation to the Grand Canyon in 1998, we’re not connecting with who our children are now.
They’ve built entire lives since then. They have their own funny stories, their own challenges, their own victories. When we keep dragging them back to childhood memories, we’re missing out on knowing them as the interesting adults they’ve become.
4. Guilt-tripping about visit frequency
“I guess I’ll see you at Christmas… if you can make time.”
“Your brother visits more often.”
“We won’t be around forever, you know.”
Sound familiar? I’ve been guilty of variations of all three. Nothing makes an adult child want to visit less than feeling obligated and guilty about it.
The irony is thick here. The more we guilt them about not visiting, the more they associate visiting with negative feelings. Who wants to voluntarily walk into that?
5. Criticizing their parenting choices
When my grandchildren visit, it takes everything in me not to comment when my sons handle situations differently than I would have. Screen time limits, bedtimes, discipline strategies—they’re all different from what we did.
But here’s what I’ve learned: different doesn’t mean wrong. My sons are raising their kids in a different world than the one they grew up in. They’re dealing with challenges we never faced.
When we undermine their parenting or offer “helpful corrections” in front of the grandkids, we’re not just damaging our relationship with our children. We’re confusing our grandkids and making everyone uncomfortable.
6. Refusing to acknowledge we might have been wrong
This is perhaps the hardest one for our generation. I spent years pushing my older son toward a career path that made perfect sense on paper—stable, good benefits, respectable. It took me far too long to accept that I’d been completely wrong about what would make him happy.
When he finally changed careers to something he was passionate about, I could have doubled down on my position. Instead, I apologized. That single conversation did more for our relationship than years of family dinners.
We boomers aren’t great at admitting mistakes, especially to our children. But holding onto the idea that we always knew best creates a wall between us and the adults they’ve become.
7. Making the visit about our agenda
They drive three hours to visit, and we immediately have a list: fix the garage door, move the heavy furniture, set up the new computer, look at the leaky faucet.
Or we pack the schedule: lunch with the neighbors, dinner with cousins, breakfast with old family friends they barely remember.
Our adult children visit to spend time with us, not to be our handymen or social ambassadors. When every visit becomes a series of obligations, is it any wonder they start finding reasons to stay home?
8. Dismissing their struggles because “we had it harder”
“You think you’re stressed? When I was your age…”
“At least you have dishwashers and smartphones.”
“We didn’t have all these conveniences, and we managed fine.”
Every generation faces its own challenges. Yes, we might have walked uphill both ways to school, but minimizing our children’s struggles by comparing them to ours just tells them we’re not interested in understanding their lives.
9. Never asking questions and actually listening to the answers
This might be the most important change I’ve made. Instead of waiting for my turn to talk or thinking about what advice to give, I’ve started asking questions and genuinely listening.
“How’s that project you mentioned last time?”
“What’s been on your mind lately?”
“Tell me about your friend you mentioned.”
Then—and this is the crucial part—I listen without jumping in with solutions, comparisons, or judgments. My sons talk to me more now than they have in years, simply because I’ve learned to ask and listen instead of talk and advise.
Closing thoughts
Recognizing myself in this list wasn’t comfortable. But here’s the thing: our adult children aren’t pushing us away to be cruel. They’re trying to establish healthy boundaries and be seen for who they are now, not who they were at fifteen.
The good news? It’s never too late to change. Every single one of these habits can be unlearned. And when we do, something magical happens—our children actually want to spend time with us.
So here’s my question for you: which of these resonates most? Because acknowledging it is the first step toward longer visits and closer relationships with the adults our children have become.
