Let’s be honest—parenting doesn’t magically end when your kids hit adulthood. The relationship just shifts. And sometimes, without meaning to, parents in their 60s can create distance with the very kids they love the most.
It doesn’t usually happen because of one big argument. More often, it’s the little habits, comments, or assumptions that slowly build a wall between generations.
I’ve seen this dynamic in my own extended family. A grandparent means well, but a remark about how things “used to be done” lands like a judgment.
Or an adult child leaves a visit feeling unheard because every conversation circled back to medical appointments. None of this is intentional—it’s just what happens when old patterns linger past their expiration date.
Here are eight common ways that distance happens—and what can be done differently.
1. Giving advice when no one asked for it
Have you ever had someone swoop in with “Here’s what you should do…” when all you wanted was a listening ear? That’s exactly how it can feel for adult kids when parents jump into fix-it mode.
I’ve caught myself doing this with friends. Someone vents about a work situation, and before I know it, I’m rattling off solutions. But when I stop and think, I realize what they wanted was validation, not a blueprint.
Most of us aren’t looking for a full solution—we just want to be heard. And when advice shows up uninvited, it can come across as dismissive, even if the intention is love.
Instead of defaulting to advice, try asking: “Do you want me to just listen, or would it help if I shared some ideas?” That small question signals respect for their autonomy.
Over time, honoring those boundaries builds trust. And trust is what keeps adult kids picking up the phone, instead of dodging calls because they don’t want to be lectured.
2. Holding onto outdated expectations
Back when you were raising kids, it might have been typical to marry young, buy a house early, or settle into a steady job by your mid-20s. But times have changed. Housing prices are higher, career paths are less linear, and many young adults delay marriage or parenthood until later.
When parents compare their adult children’s choices against the yardstick of decades past, it can sound like criticism. Comments like “When I was your age, I already had two kids” land heavy, even if meant casually.
As family therapist Nedra Tawwab has noted, “Unmet expectations are the silent relationship killers.” The expectations you carried into parenthood might not fit the reality your children are living in today.
Instead of clinging to the past, meet your kids where they are. Celebrate the path they’re on—even if it looks different from yours. Ask curious questions about their goals rather than assuming you know what’s best. That shift from expectation to acceptance can be the difference between feeling judged and feeling loved.
3. Criticizing parenting styles
Grandparenting is a gift. But it’s also tricky terrain, especially if you don’t agree with how your children are raising their kids.
Yes, it can be hard to bite your tongue when you see more screen time than you’d allow, or a bedtime routine that feels too relaxed. But constant critique puts your children on edge and makes them less likely to welcome you into their parenting world.
One friend of mine told me she dreaded Sunday dinners because every time her mom saw her toddler use a tablet, she got a lecture about “ruining his brain.” The irony? Those dinners became less frequent—so the grandparent saw even less of her grandson.
If something truly concerns you, frame it as curiosity rather than judgment: “I noticed you do bedtime differently than we did—what made you decide on that?” That way, you’re opening a dialogue instead of closing one.
4. Avoiding difficult conversations
Sometimes parents sidestep important topics because they don’t want conflict. Money, health, boundaries—they’re all easier to brush aside. But silence leaves space for resentment to grow.
I’ve seen families go years without addressing an issue, only to have it explode later in a heated holiday argument. Avoidance doesn’t erase the tension—it just buries it until it bursts.
Talking about hard things takes courage, but it’s also how intimacy deepens. The Gottman Institute notes that “Conflict is not a sign of a troubled relationship; avoidance of conflict is.”
When a topic feels too heavy, try soft entry points. Instead of “We need to talk about your will,” you might start with, “I’ve been thinking about planning for the future—have you given thought to that too?” Gentle openings invite conversation without putting anyone on the defensive.
5. Being unavailable emotionally
It’s not just physical presence that matters—it’s emotional presence. Some parents unintentionally send the message, “I don’t have time for this” through distracted listening or quick subject changes.
Your kids might call less if they sense you’re half-checked-out or always rushing the conversation. Emotional unavailability often shows up as downplaying feelings too: “Oh, it’s not that bad” or “You’ll be fine.”
I’ll admit, I’ve caught myself doing this with my own children when life feels rushed. My daughter tells me she’s upset about something small—like a missing crayon—and I want to brush it off. But the truth is, practicing empathy in the small moments builds a foundation for closeness later.
What helps instead? Pausing. Sitting with their feelings, even if they’re messy. Offering empathy without trying to shortcut the moment. That’s what builds closeness and keeps adult kids from feeling like they have to go elsewhere for emotional support.
6. Bringing every conversation back to health problems
This one is delicate. Health challenges are real in your 60s, and of course you’ll want to share updates with the people who love you. But when every call centers on aches, medications, or upcoming procedures, your adult children may feel overwhelmed—or guilty for not being able to fix things.
My husband’s aunt is a great example of balance. She gives a brief update—“The doctor says my blood pressure is better”—then pivots to something fun: a new recipe she tried or a book she’s reading. Her kids and grandkids look forward to her calls because they don’t feel like a medical report.
One trick is balance. Yes, mention the knee surgery. But also ask about their work project, their toddler’s new words, or the movie they just saw. When health dominates, it can unintentionally shift the relationship into a caregiver dynamic instead of parent-child connection.
7. Overhelping with money or decisions
Generosity is beautiful, but constant financial rescues or over-involvement in big choices can undercut your adult children’s confidence. What feels like support from your end may feel like control on theirs.
I’ve heard stories of parents who quietly covered every bill for years, only to realize later their kids never learned to budget. Others offered strong opinions on career moves, leaving their children second-guessing themselves long into adulthood.
As psychologist Henry Cloud explains, “We change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.” If kids are never allowed to face the discomfort of their own decisions, they won’t grow.
Helping is wonderful. But overhelping? That creates dependency—and distance. Offer resources when asked, and trust your kids to find their way, even if it looks messy.
8. Forgetting to update traditions
Family traditions hold power. But if they never evolve, they can start to feel rigid instead of warm. Adult kids with partners, kids of their own, or busy careers may not be able to recreate the exact same holidays or Sunday dinners from decades ago.
When parents insist on keeping every detail unchanged, it can feel like there’s no room for growth. Flexibility—like rotating hosting duties or shifting holiday meals to brunch instead of dinner—keeps traditions alive without the guilt.
One of my friends told me her family switched their big holiday dinner to a breakfast buffet. It felt odd at first, but it allowed everyone to spend the rest of the day with in-laws and other commitments. That compromise not only kept the tradition alive but made it more joyful.
Sometimes the best way to honor family history is to let it bend and stretch with the new season of life.
Final thoughts
Parenting in your 60s is a different role than parenting in your 30s or 40s. It’s less about guiding every move and more about walking alongside.
The truth is, most distance doesn’t come from lack of love. It comes from habits we don’t even realize are creating space. But when you replace unsolicited advice with curiosity, rigid traditions with flexibility, and judgment with empathy, the gap begins to close.
Adult children don’t stop needing their parents—they just need them in a new way. And when you meet them there, the relationship can grow deeper than ever before.
