Staying close to our kids once they’re grown looks different than it did when they were small. No more diaper changes or soccer snack schedules—but the relationship still matters just as much.
I’ve watched friends who still feel deeply connected to their grown children, and I’ve noticed it isn’t luck. They’re intentional. They avoid certain missteps that, over time, can quietly build walls instead of bridges.
Here are nine common mistakes that parents who enjoy strong bonds with their adult children often steer clear of.
1. Treating them like they’re still little
It’s easy to slip into old patterns. You see your twenty-five-year-old walk through the door, and suddenly you’re offering to make their plate, double-checking their sweater, or telling them not to forget their wallet.
The problem? What feels like care to us can feel like condescension to them. They want to be treated as adults who can handle themselves.
A mom I know said, “I had to remind myself: my son is paying rent, holding a job, and making decisions. He doesn’t need me to mother him in the old way.”
The parents who stay close? They adapt. They still show care, but in a way that acknowledges independence.
2. Overstepping into their personal choices
Whether it’s their job, partner, or where they choose to live, adult kids want room to build their own lives. When we swoop in with heavy-handed advice—or worse, disapproval—we risk pushing them away.
Of course, biting your tongue isn’t easy. I’ve had moments where I wanted to say, “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” But then I remembered how it felt when my own mom questioned every choice I made in my twenties.
What strengthens bonds is trust. Let them know you believe in their ability to figure things out. If they ask for guidance, offer it with respect.
3. Using guilt as a tool for closeness
“You never call anymore.” “I guess you’re too busy for family.” Ever heard—or said—those words?
It may feel like a way to remind them you care, but guilt rarely fosters warmth. Instead, it makes grown children feel trapped between obligation and resentment.
As family therapist Dr. Joshua Coleman has noted, “Use of guilt trips or criticism will never get you what you want from your adult child, especially if you’re estranged.” It might bring a temporary visit or phone call, but it won’t bring true closeness.
Parents who keep strong bonds focus instead on joy. They make time together feel like a gift, not a duty.
4. Ignoring boundaries
Every healthy relationship needs boundaries—yes, even with our kids. That might mean not dropping by unannounced, or not sharing personal details they’d rather keep private.
I once showed up at a friend’s apartment uninvited back when I was younger, and she laughed but also said, “A heads up would’ve been nice.” It stuck with me. If I felt that way with a friend, how much more do our kids feel it as adults?
Respecting boundaries communicates respect for them as people. And that builds the trust that keeps them coming back.
5. Expecting them to meet emotional needs
Here’s something hard to admit: sometimes parents lean on their adult kids in ways that feel heavy. Maybe it’s venting about finances, loneliness, or marital struggles.
Yes, it’s okay to be honest about your life. But when grown children become your main emotional support system, they can feel overwhelmed. They need parents to be parents—not to swap roles.
Healthy closeness happens when we have other outlets for our struggles: friends, spouses, support groups, therapists. Then the time with our kids can feel lighter, freer, more connected.
6. Holding onto old conflicts
Every family has bumps—maybe arguments about curfews years ago, or hurtful words said in a moment of stress.
But parents who remain close don’t drag those old battles forward. They know when to let go, when to apologize, and when to move on.
I remember sitting in my own mom’s kitchen as she said, “I don’t even remember what that fight was about, but I’m sorry if I hurt you.” That small gesture meant everything.
Letting old grudges go creates space for a fresh, adult-to-adult relationship.
7. Forgetting that relationships go both ways
Closeness doesn’t happen because we’re the parents. It happens because both sides invest.
Sometimes parents fall into the trap of thinking the child should always come to them, always initiate. But when adult children see their parents making the effort—sending a text, remembering a birthday, asking about a project—it communicates care.
I’ve noticed that parents who stay close don’t sit back waiting. They stay curious about their children’s lives, without being intrusive.
8. Refusing to grow with them
One of the most beautiful parts of raising kids is watching them evolve. But some parents freeze their children in time. They still talk to them like they’re eighteen, ignoring the wisdom, skills, or maturity they’ve gained.
Author Anne Lamott once wrote, “Help is the sunny side of control.” That line always reminds me: sometimes “helping” isn’t what’s needed. Sometimes honoring their growth is the real gift.
Closeness thrives when we let our kids surprise us, when we notice how they’ve grown and allow the relationship to grow too.
9. Neglecting to nurture their own lives
The strongest parent–adult child relationships I’ve seen are ones where the parents also have their own passions, friendships, and fulfillment.
Why? Because it takes pressure off the child. They’re free to connect out of love, not obligation.
I think about a neighbor of mine who always says, “When my kids call, I want them to hear me excited about life, not waiting for them to fill the silence.” Her kids adore visiting her—and it’s no wonder.
As researcher Brené Brown has said, “Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.” That energy flows best when both sides are living full, authentic lives.
Final thoughts
At the end of the day, closeness with our adult children isn’t about doing everything perfectly. It’s about doing the small, steady things that build trust and warmth.
Respect their independence. Avoid guilt and control. Remember to nurture yourself, too.
I think about my own kids—still little now, but growing fast—and I hope when they’re older, they’ll feel like coming home is easy. Not because I demanded it, but because the space between us stayed filled with respect, love, and genuine connection.
And isn’t that what we all want?
