There’s a moment that catches most parents off guard.
Your child, who used to tell you everything, suddenly has nothing to say. The kid who sought your approval now rolls their eyes at your suggestions. The relationship that felt effortless for years now feels like navigating a minefield blindfolded.
Welcome to parenting a teenager.
The instinct when this happens is to hold on tighter, to assert more control, to double down on approaches that worked when they were younger. But here’s the thing: what worked at eight doesn’t work at fifteen.
And clinging to outdated parenting strategies often pushes teenagers further away rather than bringing them closer.
Here are eight parenting approaches that might have worked when your kids were younger but are now actively creating distance during the teenage years, along with what actually works instead.
1) Demanding obedience without explanation
“Because I said so” might have ended debates when your child was seven. At fifteen, it’s relationship poison.
Teenagers are developing the cognitive capacity for abstract thinking and questioning authority. Their brains are literally wired to start pushing back against rules they don’t understand or agree with. This isn’t defiance for the sake of being difficult. It’s normal, healthy development.
When you demand compliance without explanation, you’re telling your teenager that their growing capacity for reasoning doesn’t matter. That your authority is more important than their understanding. That might doesn’t make right, except when it does.
**What works instead:** Explain your reasoning. Share your concerns. Make your case. You’re still the parent setting boundaries, but you’re treating your teenager as someone capable of understanding why those boundaries exist.
This doesn’t mean every rule becomes a negotiation. But it does mean you respect their developing mind enough to explain your thinking.
2) Treating their emotions as overreactions
“You’re being dramatic.” “It’s not that big a deal.” “You’ll understand when you’re older.” These responses, however well-intentioned, tell teenagers that what they’re feeling isn’t valid or real.
But to them, it is that big of a deal. The social dynamics, the academic pressure, the identity questions, the physical changes. Their emotional responses aren’t overreactions. They’re appropriate reactions to experiences that feel enormous because, to them, they are.
Dismissing teenage emotions doesn’t teach emotional regulation. It teaches emotional suppression. It communicates that you’re not a safe person to share feelings with. So they stop sharing.
**What works instead:** Validate the feeling even if you don’t agree with the response. “I can see this really matters to you.” “That sounds really hard.” “Tell me more about what you’re feeling.”
You can validate emotions while still setting boundaries on behavior. “I understand you’re angry, and it’s not okay to slam doors.” Validation doesn’t mean permissiveness. It means acknowledging that their internal experience is real, even if their external response needs adjustment.
3) Invading their privacy in the name of safety
Reading their journal. Going through their phone without permission. Interrogating them about every detail of their social life. These approaches might be motivated by genuine concern, but they communicate profound distrust.
Teenagers need privacy to develop a sense of self separate from their parents. That’s not suspicious. That’s developmentally appropriate. When you violate that privacy, you’re telling them you don’t trust them to be separate people. And they respond by hiding more, not less.
**What works instead:** Earn access through relationship rather than demanding it through authority. When teenagers trust that you won’t judge, lecture, or overreact, they’re more likely to share what’s actually happening in their lives.
This doesn’t mean you ignore red flags or abdicate responsibility. It means the baseline is respect for their growing need for privacy, with trust as the foundation.
4) Staying in reactive mode instead of regulated mode
When your teenager slams a door, yells, or says something hurtful, the instinct is to react with equal intensity. To yell back, to impose immediate consequences, to match their emotional energy.
But teenagers need you to be the regulated adult in the room, especially when they can’t regulate themselves. Their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation, won’t be fully developed until their mid-twenties. They’re literally not equipped to stay calm during emotional overwhelm the way adults are.
When you react with intensity, you’re adding fuel to their fire. When you stay regulated, you’re modeling what emotional control actually looks like and providing the calm presence their nervous system needs to settle.
**What works instead:** Pause. Breathe. Respond rather than react. This doesn’t mean you accept disrespect or have no boundaries. It means you enforce those boundaries from a place of calm rather than escalation.
“I can see you’re upset, and I’m not going to engage while we’re both this activated. Let’s take some space and talk when we’re calmer.” That’s strength, not weakness.
I recently came across a video on YouTube that breaks down the emotional stages of parenting teenagers in a really cinematic, psychology-based way.
It covers everything from why they pull away to how to stay regulated as a parent during their storms. If you’re navigating the teenage years and want to understand what’s really happening beneath all the drama and distance, it’s definitely worth a watch.
5) Punishing instead of teaching
Grounding them for a month. Taking away everything they care about. Imposing harsh consequences meant to “teach them a lesson.” These approaches might provide temporary compliance through fear, but they don’t build the internal decision-making capacity teenagers need.
Punishment focuses on making them suffer for what they did wrong. Teaching focuses on helping them develop better judgment for next time. One creates resentment and sneakiness. The other builds character and wisdom.
**What works instead:** Natural consequences when possible, and logical consequences that connect to the behavior. If they don’t do their homework, they face the consequences from their teacher rather than additional punishment from you. If they violate curfew, the logical consequence might be earlier curfew the following week to rebuild trust.
Most importantly, have conversations about decision-making. “What were you thinking would happen?” “What do you think you could do differently next time?” “How can I support you in making better choices?” These questions build capacity. Harsh punishment just builds walls.
6) Making everything about you
“How could you do this to me?” “After everything I’ve done for you.” “You’re making my life so difficult.” When your response to teenage behavior centers your feelings rather than addressing theirs, you’re asking them to manage your emotions on top of their own.
Teenagers are already drowning in their own developmental chaos. When they also have to worry about managing your hurt feelings or disappointment, it adds an unfair burden. And it teaches them that their struggles are problems for you rather than experiences you’ll help them navigate.
**What works instead:** Separate your feelings from the issue at hand. Yes, you have feelings about their choices. Those are valid. But the conversation with them should focus on their experience, their choices, and their growth.
Process your feelings with other adults. Your teenager is not your therapist or your friend. They’re your child, even at sixteen. Save the “this is hard for me too” conversations for your partner, therapist, or friends. With your teen, focus on what they need from you, not what you need from them.
7) Refusing to apologize or admit when you’re wrong
When you mess up, lose your temper unfairly, or make a decision you later realize was wrong, your teenager is watching to see if you’ll own it. If you don’t, you’re teaching them that authority means never having to say you’re sorry. That power means you’re above accountability.
**What works instead:** Apologize when you’re wrong. Sincerely. Specifically. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I was stressed about other things and took it out on you. That wasn’t fair, and I’m sorry.”
This doesn’t undermine your authority. It strengthens your relationship. It models accountability, humility, and integrity. It shows that being a good person matters more than being “right.” And it keeps the door open for them to apologize to you when they mess up, which they will, because they’re teenagers.
8) Comparing them to siblings, peers, or your own teenage self
Comparisons communicate that your teenager isn’t measuring up to some standard you’re holding them to. That who they are isn’t quite good enough. That they’d be more acceptable if they were more like someone else.
Nothing shuts down connection faster than feeling like you’re a disappointment compared to someone else.
**What works instead:** See them as individuals. Appreciate who they actually are rather than wishing they were different. Recognize that your teenager is not you, not their sibling, not their peer. They’re themselves, with their own strengths, struggles, personality, and path.
“I see how hard you’re working on this, even though it doesn’t come easily.” “I appreciate that you’re honest with me, even when it’s uncomfortable.” “I love getting to know who you’re becoming.” These statements say: I see you. The actual you. And you’re enough.
Conclusion
The teenage years don’t have to mean the end of closeness with your child. But they do require a fundamental shift in how you show up.
Your teenager still needs you. Just differently. And that’s exactly how it should be.
The challenge isn’t to hold on to the child they were. It’s to build a relationship with the adult they’re becoming. That requires letting go of what worked before and embracing what works now.
It’s not easy. But it’s possible. And it’s worth it.
