Last Tuesday, Milo had a complete meltdown because his banana broke in half.
Not because he didn’t want the banana. Not because he wasn’t hungry. Because the banana broke, and in his two-year-old mind, that was a catastrophe of epic proportions.
I could have said “it’s just a banana” or “stop crying over nothing.” Instead, I sat down next to him and said, “You’re really upset that the banana broke. You wanted it to stay whole.”
He looked at me, tears streaming down his face, and nodded. Within two minutes, he was calm enough to eat the “broken” banana. No lecture, no distraction, just acknowledgment.
That’s emotional coaching in its simplest form.
According to psychologist John Gottman, who pioneered research on this approach, emotional coaching is about tuning into children’s feelings and helping them learn to cope with negative emotions like fear, anger, and sadness. It’s not about preventing upset or rushing kids through their feelings. It’s about teaching them to understand and navigate their emotional landscape.
Here are seven ways to become a better emotional coach for your child.
1) Notice the emotion before it escalates
The best time to coach through an emotion is before it becomes a full-blown meltdown.
This requires paying attention to the small signals. Ellie gets quiet when she’s feeling overwhelmed. Her shoulders tense. She stops making eye contact. If I catch it at that stage, we can talk through what’s happening before she completely falls apart.
With Milo, it’s different. He gets extra clingy, wants to be held more, starts whining instead of using his words.
Every child has their own emotional tells. The more you observe, the better you’ll get at recognizing when big feelings are brewing.
I’ve started narrating what I notice: “You seem a little worried about something” or “I can tell something is bothering you.” Sometimes they’re not even aware of what they’re feeling yet. Naming it helps bring it into focus.
The key is not waiting until they’re already in the red zone. Once a child is flooded with emotion, their ability to process rational thought goes way down. Catching it early means you can guide them through it while their brain is still relatively receptive.
2) Validate their feelings without trying to fix them immediately
This is probably the hardest part for me, and I’m guessing for a lot of parents.
Our instinct when our child is upset is to make it better. Fast. We want to solve the problem, offer solutions, explain why they shouldn’t feel that way.
But validation comes before problem solving. Always.
When Ellie came home crying because a friend said something hurtful at school, my first impulse was to launch into “I’m sure she didn’t mean it” or “maybe she was having a bad day.” But that dismisses what Ellie actually experienced.
Instead, I tried: “That really hurt your feelings. It makes sense that you’re upset when your friend says something mean.”
That’s it. No fixing, no explaining it away, just acknowledgment that her feelings are real and reasonable.
Gottman’s research shows that children whose emotions are validated learn to trust their own emotional responses and develop better emotional regulation over time. Children whose feelings are dismissed or minimized struggle more with managing emotions as they grow.
3) Help them build an emotional vocabulary
“I’m sad” or “I’m mad” are good starting points, but there’s so much more nuance to emotions.
I keep a feelings chart on our fridge with different emotion words and corresponding faces. When Ellie is upset, we sometimes look at it together. “Are you feeling disappointed? Frustrated? Left out?”
Often she’ll point to one and say, “Yes, that one.” Giving her the specific word for what she’s experiencing helps her understand herself better.
With Milo at two, we’re working on basics: happy, sad, mad, scared, excited. But even at his age, he’s starting to use these words instead of just melting down.
I also model this myself. “Mommy’s feeling frustrated right now because the grocery store was really crowded” or “I’m feeling excited about going to the farmers market tomorrow.”
The more words children have for their internal experiences, the better equipped they are to communicate about them instead of just acting them out.
4) Offer concrete tools for calming down
Validating feelings is crucial, but children also need practical strategies for managing the intensity of those feelings.
We’ve tried different calming techniques over the years. Deep breathing works well for Ellie now that she’s older. We do “smell the flowers, blow out the candles” where she breathes in through her nose and out through her mouth.
Physical movement helps too. Sometimes when emotions are really big, Ellie needs to run around the backyard or jump on her bed for a few minutes to discharge that energy.
For kids who are more creative or visual, art activities can be especially effective for processing and releasing anxiety in a way that feels safe and manageable. The video below provides a couple of excellent activities to try when childre are dealing with big emotions:
The key is having a toolkit of options. What works one day might not work the next. What works for one child might not work for another.
I try to introduce these tools when everyone is calm, not in the middle of a meltdown. We practice deep breathing at bedtime. We talk about our calm-down strategies during normal moments so they’re familiar when we actually need them.
5) Separate the feeling from the behavior
All feelings are acceptable. Not all behaviors are acceptable.
This distinction is really important in emotional coaching.
When Ellie hit Milo last month because she was angry, I didn’t dismiss her anger. “You were really mad at your brother. It’s okay to feel mad. It’s not okay to hit. We don’t hurt people even when we’re angry.”
Then we talked about what she could do instead when she feels that angry. She could use her words, she could walk away, she could come get me for help, she could hit a pillow instead of her brother.
The message isn’t “don’t feel angry.” The message is “anger is a normal feeling, and here are safe ways to express it.”
This applies to all emotions. It’s okay to feel disappointed. It’s not okay to throw things. It’s okay to feel scared. It’s not okay to refuse to try anything new ever. It’s okay to feel frustrated. It’s not okay to yell mean things at people.
Feelings get validated. Harmful behaviors get redirected.
6) Use emotional moments as teaching opportunities
When things are calm, those are the moments to talk about what happened during the emotional storm.
After Ellie’s meltdown about the classroom being rearranged, we talked about it later that evening during her bath. “Remember this morning when you got really upset about the changes at school? Can you tell me more about what that felt like?”
She explained that it made her feel confused and worried because she didn’t know where things were anymore. We talked about how sometimes changes feel scary even when they’re not actually dangerous.
Then we brainstormed what might help next time. She decided she could ask her teacher to show her where everything moved to. Small solution, but it gave her a sense of control.
These post-emotion conversations shouldn’t feel like lectures. They’re more like gentle debriefs where you help your child reflect on what happened and what they learned about themselves.
Matt is better at this than I am. He has this calm, curious way of asking Ellie questions that helps her process without feeling judged or interrogated.
7) Model healthy emotional regulation yourself
Our kids are watching how we handle our own big feelings.
If I snap at everyone when I’m stressed and never acknowledge it, I’m teaching them that’s how you handle stress. If I pretend I’m never upset or frustrated, I’m teaching them that emotions should be hidden.
I’m working on naming my own emotions out loud. “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths.” Or “I got frustrated and raised my voice. That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.”
It’s hard to admit to my kids when I’m struggling emotionally. Part of me wants to be the calm, unflappable parent. But that’s not realistic or even helpful.
When they see me acknowledge my feelings, take steps to calm down, and repair when I mess up, they learn that emotional regulation is a skill we’re all practicing. Not something you either have or don’t have.
Conclusion
Emotional coaching isn’t about preventing your children from ever being upset. It’s not about eliminating tantrums or making sure they’re always happy.
It’s about teaching them that all feelings are part of being human. That emotions carry information. That they can feel something intensely and still be okay.
Some days I get it right. I stay calm during the meltdown, I validate before I problem solve, I help them name what they’re feeling.
Other days I fail spectacularly. I dismiss their feelings because I’m tired. I jump straight to fixing instead of listening. I lose my patience when they’re struggling with something that seems small to me but enormous to them.
But here’s what I’m learning: emotional coaching is a practice, not a destination. Every interaction is a chance to try again, to do a little better, to show your kids that feelings matter and they’re not alone in navigating them.
